


Same Time Next Year

by LondonCalls, Sloane Ranger (LondonCalls)



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: 1972-1992, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, References to Depression, Roger is a worrier, Romance, Sex, Shower Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, lots of flashbacks, they are so sweet together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:07:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26422393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LondonCalls/pseuds/LondonCalls, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LondonCalls/pseuds/Sloane%20Ranger
Summary: Roger and John meet at a chalet in the French Alps at least twice a year and sometimes more. They started this tradition when they could afford to buy themselves a holiday retreat for both of them and then eventually their families. But really, it was their own. Their love nest. Where they could make love and stay in bed all day or sit in front of the log fire.As the years progress they reminisce about earlier times and the angst and hurt and comfort comes back as the practically relive their lives since they knew and fell in love with each other but John is worried the years of secrecy are causing the drummer hurt.
Relationships: John Deacon/Roger Taylor
Comments: 100
Kudos: 60





	1. Remember the Time When We...?

Mar 1983

Roger listened to the weather report and couldn't help feeling worried. He had gotten to the chalet in the mountains a day earlier than Deaky was expected so that he could air it out and get the log fire going to warm up the place. Usually, John would go a day ahead but he had a child's birthday to celebrate and it would look strange if he missed it. So, it had been agreed that Roger would go on ahead and pick up whatever they would need food and drink wise at the small shop in the French village.

The chalet was used off and on by both families and even sometimes by Brian but three times out of the year only Roger and John used it. If anyone thought it strange, no one said anything and expected the two young fathers just needed some guy time. No one ever offered to go with them so they didn't have to make excuses and say no.

Roger's French wasn't the best but he found an English language station and heard there was a snow storm heading their way. He had hoped they had timed this trip to avoid bad weather but in the alps it just snuck up on you. 

John was suppose to be arriving in Geneva that afternoon but some flights had been cancelled. If he arrived he would have to drive the hour or so to Chamonix so he should arrive by 5 pm. Roger looked nervously at the clock on the wooden mantle above the fireplace. It was nearly 4:30 now. There was no way of telling which flight had been cancelled as some had left from Paris. 

Roger stood by the window and saw only a few flakes of snow. He sighed and chewed his fingernail, a habit he had when he was nervous. He hadn't been alone with John since the last tour when they had managed to share a room. Usually, they had their own rooms. It was only the early days when they hadn't quite been that famous that they hadn't rated their own suites. But there was always adjoining rooms and ways around being able to be together.

The chalet was starting to warm up as the fire got going and the blond checked the fridge to make sure the champagne was cooling and then put the cheeses out on a plate to get to room temperature. John always teased the drummer about his preparations. Roger couldn't actually cook but he could put things out on a plate really well.

Roger had fallen asleep in front of the fire, his head on a pillow. He had willed himself to sleep rather than pace up and down worried about John and his safety. He knew it didn't help and also that the bassist was sensible and would try to phone if there was a problem. Roger had checked the phone twice and there was still a dial tone.

For some reason he was dreaming about a previous time when they had met at the chalet. Maybe, three years before. He was going out with Dom and John was already married to Veronica. It was what was expected and they were happy enough in their chosen relationships but only if they could see each other. 

But that time John had had a disagreement with Veronica about going to the alps to meet Roger. She had hinted that there was something going on between them and even though John had known that was impossible it had still scared him and he had made the mistake of taking it out on Roger and blaming him.

Roger frowned in his sleep, reliving that moment he had opened the door as he heard John tramping up the gravel path of the chalet. It had been early summer so no snow but the response he got from his greeting had been chilly at best.

"Deaks?" Roger had immediately had a sense of foreboding as the brunette dropped his small travel bag in the hall.

There had been silence for a few seconds and Roger, ever sensitive to changes in moods that he'd inherited from his childhood in dealing with a moody parent, turned away and headed for the kitchen to get the wine.

"Sorry, Rog." John had called out after him and the blond had stopped and turned and launched himself into the bassists arms. 

"I guess that's what I needed, darling." John said against the blonds head. "I've missed you so much."

"Just saw you last week." Roger mumbled into John's neck and then pulled his head away and wiped away a tear that had appeared in the corner of his eyes.

"Yeah, with how many other people?" John chuckled and wiped another tear with his thumb.

"I know. I hate that, too. Remember when we wanted to be so famous?" Roger nuzzled his boyfriends neck, again and took a deep breath. Deaky smelled wonderful. Cold, fresh air and soap and just Deaky. He wanted to tear his clothes off him and bed him to fuck him in front of the fire but decided to wait. He had to play hard to get some time, didn't he?

"I remember you having long, light brown hair, long blond hair and now what's this." He ruffled the blonds shorter locks and kissed him.

"That perm was not my favourite, you know Deaks." Roger put his head to one side, revelling in John's arms around him even if he was teasing his hair styles.

"I had to do something, you practically took my hair out by the roots when we fucked." John lightly bit his boyfriend's nose.

There the dream went into something else and Fred seemed to appear in it and then he must have just slept till he heard a banging noise on the door.

"Roger?" It was John's voice and Roger looked at the clock. It was nearly six. He dashed to the door and opening it and letting in a blast of cold air and John.

For a few moments after they shut the door they just stared at each other. John held both of Roger's hands in his and sighed.

"You look hot." He teased and they both chuckled because the drummers face was warm from the fire but it could have been taken either way.

"You look cold." Roger raised an eyebrow and smirked."Wine, food or me?" He batted his eyelashes at the bassist.

"Normally and obviously I would say you, Rog. But I really need a drink after that plane ride." 

"I was worried. Was it bad?" Roger called out from the bar style kitchen. 

"Could have been worse but the drive was dicey." He called back. "I couldn't just leave you alone." He said more softly.

"What?" Roger came in with 2 champagne glasses and a bottle under his arm. 

"Nothing. Just happy I made it." He kissed the blonds cheek. "I do actually like the hair. Sort of rough and ready." He teased.

"Just for that you can pop the cork." Roger frowned. He hated opening champagne. He always seemed to get hit in the face with the cork. He stood behind the couch while John did the duties and poured the wine.

They stood in front of the roaring fire and exchanged a passionate kiss before drinking the wine and then sitting together on the couch, Roger snuggled up to the brunette. He still wanted to grab that long wavy brown hair like he did years before but had to admit John was still beautiful. 

"I was having a dream before you arrived." Roger lifted his head, remembering.

"Yeah, a good one, I hope." John turned and looked into the still angelic blue eyes.

"Sort of." Roger made a face. "It was that time when you'd had a fight with Veronica about us and you thought she knew."

"Oh." John bit his lip and gently put his hand against Roger's head against his shoulder. 

Roger stared at the fire. Something was up. He hated himself for having these feeling of foreboding. Each time they met here he was afraid it would be their last. Things were so delicate and he loved this man so much it hurt, sometimes.

"I prefer to think about other things." John said softly. "Why do you upset yourself, baby?' The brunette asked softly but he knew the answer. Things could change at any time. They were both fathers now. They had wives and in laws and things to lose. The carefree days were gone when they just had to avoid the public finding out.

"One more glass and I think we should...." John kissed the tip of the blonds nose. He was still amazed at how beautiful Roger was. He remembered the first day he'd met him at the audition for Smile and how cocky and self assured he thought he was. Never imagining that a couple of years later they would be lovers and that the self confident drummer was just a cover for an affectionate and vulnerable young man.

They ended up taking the champagne up to the big bedroom with the fireplace and the view overlooking the trees. Roger had pulled down the covers of the king sized bed and for a moment had a flashback to the first time they had made love in his single bed at the flat and how nervous they had both been. Now, they weren't nervous but the love they felt was the same. 

"Showers ready." John called out from the bathroom and Roger smiled and started to take his clothes off. They only had 3 days together and he wanted to make the most of them.

1974

Roger looked up at John as lay gentle kisses all the way down the bassists bare chest and tummy till he got to his main objective. He hovered over the brunette, letting his blond hair tickle the other man's skin till a small smile appeared on his lips.

"Rog, quit teasing. I can feel your breath for God's sake." John frowned and looked down into the blue eyes, his breath nearly taken away by the other man's beauty. 

"Okay. No more teasing." Roger dip his head and blew as small plume of breath onto the hard cock in front of him and lovingly wrapped his fingers around the smooth flesh before kissing the tip and licking it. Then stopping.

"I swear, Rog." John tried to sound firm but couldn't. "You're killing, here."

Roger made a scoffing noise and let his teeth slide against the flesh between his lips and received a tug on his hair for it.

The blond decided not to tease. He was enjoying his work when there was a knock on the door. Both men jumped apart and stared.

"Are you two getting ready or not? Rehearsals in twenty minutes. Get a move on." Freddie sounded bossy and the two younger musicians sighed and shrugged and got up. They would continue later.

Back to 1982

"Rog?" John came back into the bedroom. "Rog, are you daydreaming?' The brunette put his arms around the naked drummer and rubbed his nose in the shorter blond locks from behind. 

"Mmm. Just remembering stuff." He lay his head back against John's shoulder. "Please never let us break up, Deaks." He sighed.

There was a small silence and Rogers eyes opened wide. He could see their reflection in the long mirror near the dresser. Their bodies were still slim and in good shape. They hardly looked any different than they had 10 years earlier except for their hair.

"We won't, sweetheart. I promise." John whispered but that few beats of silence had scared the blond and he bit down hard on his lip. He wished he could learn to let things pass. He knew he made it more difficult by anguishing to himself. 

"You said the shower was ready?" He turned into his boyfriend's arms and looked into the grey green eyes. 

John nodded and put his hand under the blonds chin and looked at him. "I don't know what I would do without you." He whispered.

"You'll never have to, Deaky." Roger said softly but he saw a sadness behind the brunettes eyes that he couldn't possibly mistake as anything else.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Visiting 1976 and flashbacks to earlier times.  
> John is worried about Roger's emotional state and how their relationship may be the cause.

John had woken to an empty bed and turned his head to see if there was a light coming from the bathroom. There wasn't. He looked at his watch on the night table. It was 3 am. He frowned and listened. No sound coming from anywhere. He got out of bed and went to the stairs and the balcony that overlooked the large open space living room. He could see the back of Roger's blond head as he sat in a corner of the large sofa in the semi darkness. He waited a moment and realized the drummer was asleep. Suddenly, he was taken back 11 years. To the first day they had slept in the chalet.

1976  
Roger had made it so easy. He had found the chalet through agents in London and had shown John all the pictures and convinced him if they wanted to have time alone they needed to do this. How could John argue with that. Spending alone time with each other was priceless. They needed somewhere where no one knew them or cared. Far enough away but still near civilization and transport. Roger had found the perfect place in the French Alps and now they were here. Alone.  
John had been given the tour of the three bedroom mountain retreat. It was surrounded by trees and a light snow was falling. The drive from Geneva had been easy and the roads clear.

John had his shower and wearing pajama bottoms stood at the top of the stairs and smiled seeing Roger sitting wrapped in a blanket on the couch in front of the large fireplace. There were a pile of down comforters on the floor between the couch and the fire.

"Are you naked under that blanket, Roger Taylor?" John called softly, noting the bare shoulders. The blond head had turned and smiled up at him nodding. The blue eyes bright with lust.

John was there in seconds as Roger stood up and letting the blanket dropped stood unabashedly naked in front of him. John had stopped a few feet away and just stared at his beautiful boyfriend from head to toe.  
"You are so beautiful." He whispered and was surprised to see a blush of pink from the blond shoulders to his forehead. The blond hair seemed golden in the firelight and John took the next few steps to take him in his arms and kiss him.

Roger pulled John down onto the pile of quilts and pulled off the brunettes pajama bottoms before wrapping his bare legs around him.

"Happy, sweetheart?" John whispered in the blonds ear.

"Mmmm." Roger threw his arms back behind his head and stretched his limbs under the brunette then pushing his hips against his. "Fuck me, Deaks." He sighed and smiled the slow Roger smile, stretching his neck out.

"No kissing beforehand?" John teased him and pushed his long wavy hair over to one shoulder as he hovered over his lover. 

"Kissing is good." The blond pouted his lips and batted his eyelashes stretching his 

"So bad. So naughty." John chuckled and started kissing the blond behind his ears and his neck, moving down his chest to leave delicate kisses on the pale skin. 

"I love you, Deaky." Roger sighed and turned his head to look at the fire and then back at John. 

"I love you more." John lifted his head. "I'm in the middle of something, anyway. Do you mind?" He smirked and the blond chuckled.

"Go ahead, sorry." Roger sighed and stretched his legs out. 

"Where's the lube, baby?" John lifted his head and looked around till Roger reached under the pillow and waved the tube at him. 

"Well prepared as always." John lifted an eyebrow. 

Roger watched as the brunette poured a generous amount of lube on his fingers and playfully waggled them at him. For a change the blond rolled over onto his tummy and lifted his bottom in the air before dropping his head back on the pillow.

"You are so naughty." John swatted the round pair of buttocks lightly and kissed each one lovingly before wrapping an arm around the blonds chest to keep him steady as he nudged the cool gelled finger into him.

"Cold." The blond mumbled into the pillow but wiggles his bottom playfully.

"Brat." John pushed in two fingers firmly and received a yelp from the blond but no complaints. 

"Aahhh." Roger dug his fingers into the pillow. He loved John prepping him almost as much as getting fucked by him. He could imagine Johns strong fingers moving in and out, stretching him, curling just so to hit his prostrate and making him moan and beg for more. His face turned just a bit to look into the firelight and he smiled and closed his eyes as he felt John pull his fingers out slowly and line himself up behind him. He held his breath in anticipation. 

"Come on, Deaky" He waggled his bum to make his point and sighed. John did like to make him beg for it. "Please, please." 

"Okay, then. If you're sure." John smoothed his hand down the blonds back and held onto a hip before entering him slowly. "Okay, baby?" He whispered. The blonds comfort and well being were his main concern. He couldn't bear the thought of hurting him even by accident. He thought of the drummer as his own angel.

"Sweetheart, turn over, yeah. I want to see your face." John kissed the blonds neck and pulled himself out gently, letting Roger turn over slowly.

  
"Your re killing me, Deaks." The blond smirked and arched his back as the brunette reentered him, so slowly this time. His back arched as he lifted his hips to meet the gentle thrusts and his cock was leaking against his flat tummy.

"You are so beautiful, Rog." John felt the blond legs tighten around him in response. The blue eyes were only half open and his blond hair damp around his face. He bent over to kiss the smooth neck and the pouty lips. 

The only sound in the room was the fire crackling and their breathing. It felt like heaven being alone together again and making love with no fear of someone knowing. 

"Oh, fuck!" Roger moaned into John's neck and bit his lip as the brunette slammed into his prostrate over and over again. He knew he was about to come and wanted John to be kissing him when he did. He felt his hand being held tightly in John's and his other hand pulled the brunette down by his hair to kiss him. "Now, Deaks." He gasped and felt the bassists long fingers grasp his cock as he kissed him passionately and pumped him at the same time. 

John slid his tongue between the blonds lips and moaned into his mouth as he stepped up his movements, snapping his hips back and forward to they didn't disguise their moans as they met their release together. 

John collapsed on top of the drummer, his face in the sweaty neck. Both were out of breath and sweating and felt so deeply in love with each other. John held onto Roger's hand and felt the calloused fingers tighten around his. He felt as if he had never in his life loved anyone as much as he did the blond. His angel.

"Rog." John slightly lifted his head. He knew he should get up and clean them both up. There was a cooling stickiness between them but they both loved this moment so much when they could whisper endearments to each other.

"Mmm." Roger was in another space in time. Everything had come together and he never felt so content and happy. John was stroking back his damp locks from his face and pressed his forehead against his. 

In John's mind he saw Roger as he did that day. The top of the blond head, the blanket. He started down the stairs just as Roger turned his head and looked at him. Maybe, he hadn't been asleep at all. 

"I missed you. It's a big bed to be alone in." John leaned over the couch and crossed his arms over the blonds chest. The blue eyes had tears in them but he ignored that just as he did all the other times. It wasn't any use asking why. Just accept it.

"Come to bed or stay here?" John kissed the top of the blond head but didn't get a reply. "I'll put some coffee on, babe." He whispered and went out into the kitchen. He got the coffee canister out and filled the kettle for the French press pot. 

He looked back over his shoulder even though he couldn't see the drummer from where he stood. But he listened just the same. For the same time he couldn't remember Roger being beautiful he couldn't remember when the blond didn't have this pain in his heart. He was about to call out where had Roger put the chocolate biscuits he'd bought in Geneva when he found them and put a few on a plate along with two mugs, the coffee pot and cream.

Roger had moved over on the couch and smiled at him when he set the tray down. His eyes were clear now and he nodded to John that there was snow falling outside the big window.

"It's beautiful. Rog." He quickly kissed the warm cheek. It had been over 8 years since they had started their affair and he loved the blond just as much now as then. But Veronica was pregnant again with their fourth child and Roger felt as if there was going to be no part of John's heart left for him. The bassist knew it wasn't even jealousy. Roger was a father, too. It was deeper and more complicated and had increased through the years till it was a real thing that threatened them.

Sometimes though, John thought of it as a recurring sickness like malaria that would come upon the blond out of nowhere. It was there and would pass and talking about it didn't make it stay away or get better faster. It was acknowledged as a real thing that there were no words for to make better.

The fire probably needed more wood but the warmth was still there and they sat still together on the couch, sipping their coffee. John's arm tight around Roger's bare shoulder.

"I was thinking earlier about the first time we made love here." John kissed the blonds forehead.

Roger chuckled. "You were?" He smiled to himself and looked down at the floor. "It was hot." He remembered and nuzzled the brunettes neck. He liked thinking back. He wondered how many years more they would be able to with wives and kids and the band. They were always busy but strangely whenever Roger had called John he would be there. No matter what. He never tested it. Never if he knew there were family commitments. That would have been unfair. 

The drummer looked up at John's face and traced his jaw with his finger. He knew if anyone had seen them like this they would think it was a joke. Everyone knew Roger Taylor liked women. Think of all those hundreds of groupies through the years. The on again off again girlfriends. He was married to a beautiful woman who he loved. But not the way he loved John Richard Deacon. The shy bassist from Leicester. Not the same at all.

Four days later and it was time for them to drive back to the airport in Geneva. It was always sad the last morning together. There were usually tears and Roger was always very clingy the night before. John didn't mind the clingy part and he was used to the tears but there was something else deeper. 

Earlier that morning he had caught a glimpse of the drummer staring at his face in the bathroom mirror after he'd finished shaving. John had stopped, knowing the blond couldn't see him and watched as the other man gripped the side of the sink and bowed his head for a few moments. It was as if the blond was fighting his emotions and he heard him take a deep breath and lifting his head put a smile on his face. It was the saddest thing the bassist had ever seen.

"Ready, Rog?" He closed his small suitcase. It was nice that it was their holiday home as they didn't have to travel with much for their get togethers. 

"Yeah, I'm ready." The drummer appeared, his hair freshly ruffled to look messy and sexy and the bassist would gladly have ripped his clothes off him and dragged him back to the big bed, again.

The night before they'd discussed the upcoming tour. They would be away forty nights. That meant forty nights together. But Roger was worried about one of these days being found out.

"It's the sheer numbers, Deaky." He mumbled against John's shoulder after they'd made love and were falling asleep. 

"We've been okay so far, love." John twisted the blonds shorter locks in his finger. He missed the long blond hair that he could grab handfuls of silky strands. 

"I guess. Do you think Freddie and Brian know?" He always asked this and John suspected they probably did but would never say anything unless it disrupted the band and so far it hadn't. Really, they'd have to be blind not to have figured it out.

"Please don't worry about it, angel." John pulled the drummer closer and kissed his forehead. "Go to sleep, babe." He whispered. Sometimes Roger could be such a child.

John drove the car expertly over the mountain roads. Roger was in charge of music and was fiddling with tapes but not actually getting any music on. John glanced at him a couple of times and his mind went back to long trips in the band's van to out of the way gigs in the early seventies. He usually did the driving and Roger sat beside him if he wasn't asleep in the back. It had been peaceful and quiet and they'd exchanged loving glances that Brian and Freddie couldn't see. Once though, Roger had fallen asleep with his head against John's shoulder but no one had said anything. The drummer often did that to whoever he was next to so no one would tease him. 

They were only a few minutes from the airport. They would check in and board and sit next to eachother. The flight attendants would recognize them and aske them how their visit to Geneva was. Roger would flirt and they would blush and they had walked away with the drinks cart he would squeeze John's hand and kiss him before turning to look out at the alps below them.

They didn't live very far apart and John had driven Roger home and dropped him off at the end of the long driveway to the six bedroom house that he lived in with Dominic and his young song Rufus. Making sure no one could see them they kissed and Roger got out silently and stood at the gate. John could still see him in the rear view mirror, just standing there.

John felt an overwhelming desire to go back. The blond looked like a child being left at boarding school. Friendless and alone. He would call him later and make sure he was okay but home life with three children and a wife made it impossible till it was too late to call. He would do it in the morning.

The next morning he did call and Domonique had answered the phone. She said Roger must have caught something on the trip because he'd had a restless night. She sounded distant and distracted and he said he would try again later. When he put the phone down he saw Veronica standing in the doorway of the living room. She was 6 months pregnant and showing. She frowned at him before turning away and he put the phone down slowly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments would mean the world to me.


	3. Never Enough

"I'm going over to Roger's for a bit." John stood in the doorway of the kitchen and watched his wife take a tray of muffins out of the oven.

"You just saw him yesterday." She sighed and closed the over door.

"I know. He just doesn't sound very well. Dom thinks I should come over." John hated having to explain himself 

"Dom's worried that he wants to quit the band." Veronica sat down at the counter and poured herself a cup of tea. 

"What?" John was surprised. "Why would she say that?" 

"You just spent three days with him, John. He didn't say anything?" She raised her eyebrows. 'Dom was pretty sure. He's been saying he's getting tired of it all." She lifted her hands and dropped them. "She thinks he might be ill and not telling her."

"Really?" John stared out the sliding glass door to the back yard where two small children were playing. "He didn't say anything." He thought back though to the last morning when he's watched Roger at the bathroom mirror. He felt an ache in his stomach. 

"What do you two talk about on your getaways?" Veronica looked at him and followed his line of vision to the children. "I should get them in. Dom is coming over in a bit and we're taking them and Felix to the zoo."

John snapped back into reality. "Okay, that's nice." He smiled and gave his wife a quick kiss. "I'll be back by the time you are, probably." He assured her.

"Just find out what's up with him, John. Dom is really worried." She called after him. 

John looked at his watch before getting into the car. He probably had a good four or five hours to talk to Roger and see what was going on. As he was about to turn out of his driveway he saw Dominque with Felix in his car seat. He waved and stopped to chat with her and wave at the little boy.

"I'm just heading out to your place, Dom." He smiled at her. "How's Rog when you left? Feeling any better?"

Roger's wife looked as if she hadn't slept well. "Pretty much the same." She sighed. "Maybe, you'll have better luck with him. " She waved as she started up the drive.

John watched her in the rear view mirror. Not much information there. He sighed and drove twenty minutes to Roger's estate. He chuckled to himself at the size of Roger's home compared to his, His kids would love the outdoor space but being so small it would be more of a headache keeping track of them. 

Dom had told him just to let himself in. The house was so quiet compared to his. He took the steps up to the second floor and took a left. Dom had said Roger always slept in a guest room when he wasn't sleeping well so he headed down there.

"Roger?" He called out softly and gently pushed open a door that was slightly ajar. The room was dark. "Love?" He tried again. His eyes adjusted to the darkness and he could see a figure under the covers. 

"Yeah." Roger whispered.

"Oh, baby." John kicked his shoes off and got under the covers next to the blond who still hadn't turned around. He spooned him and held him tightly against his chest and grasped the drummers hand on his chest. 

They lay like that for over half an hour. John knew it was the most effective thing to do with his lover. Hold him and wait and show patience and more patience. It was a slow process but the brunette didn't mind. He never had.

John's thought went back to years ago. It must have been their second tour of Japan. They really were famous by then. The whole country loved them, it seemed. The tour lasted two weeks and he and Roger had been careful. They had spent the night together most nights but attended after parties and hung out with the roadies and fans and the band, not just each other. But back in the hotel room, usually after 2 am or even later they would shower and go to bed and if they didn't make love they would fall asleep wrapped up in each other till morning and then make love. 

Towards the end of the tour though things had turned out a bit differently. John blamed himself. He should have known better. Brian and Freddie had been teasing Roger all day about something stupid that now he couldn't even remember, Freddie had come out with something outrageous and even John couldn't help laughing. It had hit the mark s far as Freddie was concerned but the drummer had gone bright red and even John had chuckled. He shouldn't have.

Back at the hotel the blond had a shower on his own and made it very clear by showing his back and not bare chest to John when he finally came to bed that he was upset. John had done much as did now and held him all night, without kissing him till the cloud blew over. But it took all night. He smiled and thought what a child the drummer was. He reminded himself that he'd thought the same thing yesterday in France. 

"Love?" He ran his fingers through the blond hair, making it stand up. He did miss the long locks that he could twist in his fingers but Roger was just as beautiful now as he was then. And a brat he smiled to himself.

"Mmm." At least there was a response. He suspected the drummer was enjoying this.

"I'm sorry about yesterday. I didn't give you enough love, sweetheart." John wanted to nuzzle the warm, bare neck. He wanted run his hands over the still tight pale skin, the flat tummy. He imagined running his fingers down the soft skin of his inner thighs and finally wrapping his fingers around the hardening cock. It made him hard thinking about it. 

Roger turned his head slightly and John nearly gasped. The blond looked shattered and had dark circles under his eyes as if he hadn't slept for days and not just one day. John really wondered if the drummer was ill.

"Rog?" John leaned on his elbow. "Love, are you okay?" He traced the blonds jaw and looked into the sad blue eyes.

"Yeah." Roger sighed and turned around. "Why did you come around?" He asked puzzled.

"Dom said you weren't feeling well and you weren't talking much and she was worried."

"Oh." Roger rolled his eyes. "I thought it was your own idea." He scoffed 

"Why are you hiding out in here, baby?" John asked and took hold of the drummers hand.

"Don't know. You can go now." He pulled his hand away and John shook his head at him.

"I have an idea, oh blond one." He kissed the pale cheek and watched the blue eyes open. Interested?

"I was thinking it might be a good idea to get a flat. Just for the two of us. Somewhere in London?" He waited.

"You just thought of that or have been for awhile?" 

John blew out his cheeks. Roger was making him suffer. "For awhile but more just now." Perfect answer?

"Interesting. I guess." 

"You guess? You guess?" John ran his hand down the inside of his pajama bottoms and around the back to grasp one perfect cheek and squeeze it. 

"Aaah." Roger sighed and closed his eyes. lifting his arms above his head. 

"We've got a few hours. Dom's going with Veronica and the kids to the zoo." John whispered in the blonds ear and kissed his neck. "So beautiful, love." 

Roger was smiled but not at what John had said. He felt better just having the brunette there, kissing him and making things right. He wanted to forget for just another couple of hours that he was a father and husband. He wanted to go back in time to when they were first starting out and first in love with each other.

Roger watched John take his clothes off and smirked as the lean body hovered above him, the sweet smile and the crinkly green eyes he loved. 

"I love you, Deaky." The blond pulled off his bottoms and held the covers open.

"I can see that." John said softly, seeing the blonds arousal. "You're so hot, baby." He pulled the other man towards him and kissed him. 

"Lube?" Roger lifted one eyebrow. 

"Yeah, in my pocket." John smirked and reached over to pick up his jacket from the chair by the bed.

"Tell me more about the flat." Roger whispered as he watched John kiss his chest and tummy, moving slowly down.

John looked up at him. "You want to talk about that now?" 

Roger sighed as John licked the top of his cock, tasting the pre cum then leaning forward to kiss the blond again. "You taste so good, love." 

Roger gripped the back of the bed frame as John slid into him. He'd been so well prepped he'd ended up begging for John to fuck him which was the whole idea. John loved him to beg for it. Each time he told himself he wouldn't beg but he always did. Always.

"So good." The blond moved his hips and tightened the leg around his lover. John held his other leg under the knee as he rolled his hips into him.

How many years had they been doing this? And they never got tired of each other. Roger pulled the brunettes face down to kiss him. He could almost imagine they were in their mid twenties again and in some strange city and in some five star hotel room, making love and all night. 

"Okay, love?" John held his lover close. He was still worried about him. This was just a brief interlude. They needed to talk about the future and what was bothering Roger so much that he'd spent the night in the guest room.

"Yeah. just really tired." Roger sighed and kissed the brunettes chest. "Need to sleep." 

"Rog, have you been feeling okay or is just that you're tired?" John ran his fingers through the still silky blond hair.

"I'm fine. Just sleepy." Roger sounded grumpy about the subject. "Tell be about getting a flat." He lifted his head. "Or were you just trying to get into my pants?" He smirked.

"No." John scoffed. "I meant it. Let's figure it out in a few days." 

"Okay." Roger lowered his head and yawned. 

"What's all that?' John dropped his jacket on the kitchen chair and pointed to an old box containing loose photos. 

""Oh, that. I found it in the attic. The boxes you brought over from the flat before we got married. The kids love going through it." Veronica put down his plate of pasta. "It keeps them busy for hours." 

"Must be all our tour stuff." John took a sip of wine. He'd left Roger still sleeping but in a slightly better frame of mind. He hoped. 

Veronica sat down with her plate. The children had been exhausted from the day at the zoo. "How was Roger?" 

John frowned. "I think he's okay. Roger is Roger." He said and Veronica looked at him. She slid a picture over to him. It was one of those strips of five phots from a photo booth. John looked at her and took it.

They were of him and Roger during their first US tour if he remembered from their hair. They were being silly and Roger was acting like a girl and batting his eyes. The last two showed them kissing and John's face went white. He slid the photo into his pocket and sipped his wine, not looking at Veronica.

"It was a long time ago, Ronnie. You know Roger. He likes to shock."

"I didn't say anything." His wife sighed and moved her hand along the table to touch his. "I just don't think it's that long ago, John."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, let me know what you think?


	4. Remember the Place Where We Were Happy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and Freddie are receiving disturbing calls from Roger and John tries to find him before it's too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this chapter. Bit angsty.

John had always kept a photo of Roger carefully hidden in his wallet. The picture had been widely circulated in the music magazines. It had been when they were in Japan in the mid seventies. Roger was wearing a cream colored satin jacket with exotic birds on it. His hair had been very blond, not natural of course but it made his blue eyes and dark eyelashes stand out more. He thought at the time the picture was taken that it encompassed all that he saw in the blond then. But now, several years later he was still just as beautiful as that confident drummer was back then. Though the confidence seemed to have dwindled lately.

The subject of the photo booth photo hadn't come up again with Veronica and the bassist hoped his wife had filed it under the two musicians being silly when drunk and on tour.

John remembered that night. The night they had taken the pictures. It wasn't their first kiss or their second but it had been a spontaneous and daring thing to do when anyone could have caught them. But that was Roger. He liked to take chances and push the envelope and have a good time. Now, he was so fearful of anyone finding out about them. Not because he thought it was wrong but that the knowledge that anyone would know would somehow break the spell and break them up.

John was sitting in the corner of the garden watching his children play while Veronica was making dinner. He hadn't heard from Roger for a couple of days and hoped that their last meet up had made the blond feel better. He'd left him sleeping after make love all afternoon and he'd promised he'd get up and eat something. But, he still hadn't liked the look in the blue eyes. There was something he was hiding and John couldn't figure out what it was.

John reached for his wallet in his back pocket and pulled out the picture, glancing at it quickly, he committed it to memory and put it back.

Veronica was watering the kitchen plants and she looked out on the sweet scene of her lovely husband watching the children. It was like a picture. She had turned away when he had pulled out the photo.

John had been looking forward to the tour. They'd had a couple of weeks off to prepare and rest up and in a few days would would rehearse before leaving for the 6 weeks in the states and South America. He'd just got home from buying some new clothes for the trip and dropped his bags in the hallway of their Putney house. He could hear the kids upstairs and the aroma of what smelled like a roast chicken coming from the big family kitchen.

"There you are!" Veronica looked up from chopping carrots and nodded towards the phone. "Brian has called two times and Freddie three. You better see what's wrong." She rolled her eyes. She could take a good guess but kept her thoughts to herself.

"I'll call from the other room." John went into the family room and called Brian first. He answered on the first ring.

"Hi, Bri. Ronnie said you'd called." John listened. He sat down and reached for his cigarettes. He usually only smoked outside because of his wife and kids but needs must.

Brian was in Scotland visiting family. He was worried about Roger. He'd had a strange call from him that he couldn't understand and had called Freddie. Freddie was at his family home and had a similar call. They wanted to know if John had spoken to the drummer. Had he seen him?

"Look, John." Brian said "I know you and Rog are close. Have you talked to him recently? He sounds practically suicidal." Brian was seriously worried and was stuck up in the Hebrides. He's given everyone his number while he was away in case any tour problems arose. He hadn't expected to hear a distraught Roger on the phone and had told him to call John to ask him to come over.

" I just saw him a few days ago." John could feel his heart racing. Suicidal?

"It sounds like Dom is away with Felix to visit her mother and he's alone in that big house. I don't know but I'm really worried about him Deaks. Could you go over and check on him. Call me when you get there, please?"

It was the same story from Freddie but the singer was even more upset. John promised he would go over to Roger's place right away. He put the phone down and took a deep breath before calling out to Veronica what was going on and that he would be back later.

"Take care." She called after him. Of course, it's Roger. She shook her head but was worried just the same.

John looked down at his hands gripping the steering wheel. His knuckles were white. He relaxed his fingers. Something that Brian had said was bothering him. What was it?

1978

"Oh, come on Deaks. It'll be fun. I promise." Roger was dragging the bassist by the arm. They had stopped the car near some woods. When John had picked Roger up outside his flat he was holding a canvas bag but John had no idea what was in it or actually where they were going. But he had followed the blonds directions and here they were.

"What's it called, again?" John took the bag from Roger's hand after he pulled it from the back seat. The blond chuckled as John always did the manly thing and carried anything heavy as if the drummer wasn't stronger in the arms and the same height and build as his lover.

"Copely Woods. It's supposed to be haunted." Roger was looking pleased with himself and took John by the arm. There was no one around and they hadn't passed anyone on the narrow winding road. On top of that the woods were on a hill with the one road the only way in or out. That was why Roger had picked it. They walked a few minutes before the drummer found a suitable spot to his liking and he crouched down to pull a large tartan blanket, a pillow and a packet of sandwiches and wine out of the bag. John watched, bemused by this little bit of outdoors domestication from the blond.

"Done!" Roger sat back and looking up at the brunette patted the blanket for him to sit down.

"Your are fucking fantastic, love." John sat down next to the blond and sliding his hand around his jaw kissed him deeply.

"Good idea, right?" Roger was overjoyed he'd made a good choice for a day out with his lover. They didn't get many days alone now that John was married and had children but the blond tried not to dwell on that. It wasn't as if they could have lived together openly, anyway.

"Totally, good idea blondie." John pushed his gently back on to the pillow and slid his hand inside the untucked white shirt, running his thumb over the sensitive skin and leaning over to kiss the blonds neck. 

"I love you so much, Deaky." Roger had pulled his hair to bring his lips to his and gave him a dirty kiss. "Taste so good." The silly smile. Roger's eyes already clouding over with lust for him.

"So hot and so naughty." John chastely kissed the blond forehead and popped the button on his jeans. 'I bet you didn't wear anything under these, right." He smiled showing the slight gap in his front teeth that Roger loved about him and all that brown, wavy hair to pull. 

"Aaaah." Roger sighed as he felt Johns hands slide down the inside of his jeans to pull them off. "Nothing underneath." He whispered, smirking.

They were leaning against the big oak tree, catching their breath and looking over the hills and valleys.

"No one down there knows the bassist and drummer from Queen are shagging each other up here." Roger chuckled and looked up at the brunette. He lifted his head and whispered. "I will love you forever, Deaks. Forever." 

"Forever," John took the blonds face in his hands and gently kissed him. 

Roger sighed and moving straddled Johns waist with his legs and kissed him so lovingly that the brunette thought he would cry. He'd never in his life been so happy as that moment. 

They had finally started in on the wine and sandwiches. The lovemaking had made them hungry but the wine made Roger more affectionate, again so that it was nearly sunset before they packed up the blanket and pillow and rubbish.

Before they left they held each other close. It would be days before they saw each other again.

"Rog, why are these woods famous?" John looked back at the massive trees and green foliage. It was almost like something from a Grimm's fairytale.

"What? Oh." Roger leaned his head against his boyfriends shoulder. "The story is this is where star crossed lovers came and killed themselves." He said it so softly that John wasn't sure he heard him right. He got a shiver down his spine and held the blond closer.

John turned into Roger's driveway. He couldn't see the car he usually drove but then the drummer had several. Cars were his thing. He let himself into the hallway with the key Roger had long ago given him in case of emergencies and ran up the stairs calling his name. No one was there. He checked every room. No indication even in the kitchen. No warm kettle or food out. He sat down on a chair in the hallway to think.

"What the fuck." He felt as if something elusive was just hovering above him. What had Brian said? Some message to give to him about coping or something. He couldn't cope. No, that was true. And then it hit him.

Copley Woods. He stood up and grabbed his car keys. 

"Oh please no God. Please no, Please no." He had to wipe the tears away from his eyes to see clearly enough to get down the drive and into traffic.


	5. Just Make it Happen Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just love and angst and smut

John gripped the steering wheel so hard is knuckles were white. The traffic had come to a near stand still due to an overturned lorry on the motorway and John could do nothing but wait and worry.  
This was the second worse day in life. The first had been a few years ago when Roger had gone to France to pick up his Ferrari. They were suppose to meet up in the south of France and then drive back to London via the channel ferry.

Roger had planned for months on buying this car. His dream car. They were making enough money now that he could buy what he wanted. He also wanted to spend some time alone with John. It had been a couple of moths since they had been totally alone together. The day Roger had left to fly to Paris he had been so excited he was like a kid at Christmas and he had infected John with his enthusiasm, too.

But just before they left for the airport they had the call that Rogers Ferrari had caught fire and there was no word on whether the drummer was injured or not. It had been a tense couple of hours and it was then that John had broken down, thinking the worst had happened and his lover was dead. He knew that was probably the moment that Freddie realized there was more to the two younger musicians friendship than they let on. 

Brian had been unaware of John's state of mind as he was on the phone trying to find out about their friend. It was Freddie who found John helplessly crying, his face buried in one of Roger's denim shirts. The singer had sat on the floor next to him, his arm around the shaking shoulders. The brunette had turned his head into the older mans shoulder. "I can't lose him. I can't." He repeated over and over.

"Oh, Deaks. I didn't know." Freddie kissed the top of his head and felt the despair coming from the younger man. "I didn't know." He wanted to say it would be alright but they weren't sure if that was true. He couldn't lie to him. 

Finally, they heard Brian answer the phone and a few seconds later Brian was dragging the phone into the bedroom, the extension cord stretched taut. 

"It's Rog, Deaks. He's okay. Wants to talk to you." Brian smiled and handed the phone down to Freddie's outstretched hand.

"Hi, Rog. You're okay? Yeah? The next plane out of Paris. Bri is nodding he'll meet you. Yeah, he's right here." Freddie handed the phone to John and he and Brian left the room, closing the door behind him.

"Deaks looked really upset." Brian said but he just took as best friends upset. Freddie recognized it as something more than that but would never tell anyone about the pain and the love he saw in the younger man's eyes. 

Roger had been back by the evening and even Brian knew that they should leave John and he alone. They were best friends and John had been almost in shock. Brian didn't let his thoughts go past that, deliberately. 

"John?" Roger rarely called him by his proper name. But he knew his lover was upset and even a little angry with him. They were in bed together. John's packed suitcase still in the corner of the room. A reminder that their holiday was cut short.

"It's okay, baby." John tuned and faced the blond. "I was just so scared that I'd lost you." John cupped his hand around Roger's jaw and pressed his forehead against his. He couldn't help the tears flowing and let the blond pull him into his arms. 

"Oh, God. I was so scared, Rog." He sobbed in the blonds arms. "I can't lose you. I'd die." He whispered against the warm neck. "I love you, so much." 

"It's okay, baby. Nothing's going to happen to me. I've got you." He pulled the covers over their heads. "I won't leave you, ever."

John stared unseeing till someone honked at him and he realized the traffic had cleared. He somehow managed to fine the area he was looking for without the map and as he got close and the countryside turned more wooded he was watching out for Roger's car. It had started to rain and that worried him. He finally pulled his car up to the spot he was looking for. It was getting dark and he grabbed a flashlight and a blanket from the boot of the car. They always kept emergency supplies since having the children and were pretty much covered for any eventuality. 

John walked a few minutes into the woods that seemed so different than they did that warm summer day. He tried not to think about how happy they'd been. Before they had kids and wives and were so much in love it hurt. 

"Rog!" John stood still. He thought he'd heard something but it was just the rain hitting the overhanging leaves. In the distance he thought he saw the drummer's car. He called out as he walked, his heart beating so quickly he was starting to feel dizzy and had to sit down for a moment. He held the flashlight loosely in his hand and as it lowered he caught a glimpse of blond hair in the distance. 

"Roger?!" He called out again and almost ran the several metres distance. Of course, it was the same place. Where else would the blond have gone? He wanted John to meet him. 

John nearly fell down on his knees in front of his boyfriend. "Babe, are you alright?" 

Roger had fallen asleep against the tree. For a moment he looked frightened and disoriented. He stared at John for a few seconds as if trying to remember who he was and why he was there.

"I scared you again, didn't I?" Both of them were thinking about the day his car engine had caught fire and he'd promised never to anything dangerous again.

"Just a bit, my love." John sighed and sat down next to him. He pulled the blond towards him. The leather jacket Roger was wearing wasn't that warm for the weather and John wrapped the blanket over both of them.

"I remember coming here years ago with you, love." He stroked back the blonds hair. Shorter than it was then but it took him back in time and for a moment he tightened his grip around the still narrow shoulders. He rubbed his face in the blond hair and wished he could stay like that with him forever. 

"You do?" Roger sounded unsure. He really couldn't recall why he had decided to come back here. Everything lately had seemed so unreal as if he was losing his mind. If someone had asked him what year it was he didn't think he could tell them.

"Yeah, of course. Look, lets leave your car here and we can get it in the morning." John kissed him. "I've got Brian's keys to his flat so you don't have to go back to that stupidly enormous house of yours, okay?' 

"Can you stay?" The blond asked hopefully.

"Yeah, of course. I just have to call Veronica and let her know you're safe. Everyone was worried about you, love."

"Dom doesn't know what I did?" He didn't want his girlfriend to worry. She had Felix to look after.

"No, no one said anything, baby." John stood up and put his hand out to him "The car is just up here." he said gently wondering how the evening would play out but he would take it one step at a time. Roger was seriously depressed. It had happened once before and he was angry at himself for not seeing the signs. He shouldn't have thought a quick shag the other night was all that was needed to snap his boyfriend out of it.

"I'm sorry, Rog. I didn't realise." John looked at the blond as he slumped in the seat beside him. The blue eyes moving as cars passed them at the lights.

"Doesn't matter." The words were far away and then the blue eyes looked at him. John sometimes thought those eyes could see into his soul. 

"Yeah, it does, love." John reached over and took the blonds hand in his. "It's always mattered."

Brian's flat was spacious and cozy at the same time. He'd had professional decorators do it over and it felt warm and welcoming. John turned on the heat and then the gas fireplace. Roger was shivering, standing in the middle of the living room as if he'd never been there before. John poured them both large glasses of scotch and pulled Roger over to the couch in front of the fire.

He'd called Veronica and told her he was staying at Brian's with Roger and he'd take him to the doctor in the morning. He asked her to to tell Dominique if she called and she promised she wouldn't. 

"Will he be alright, John?" His wife was very fond of Roger and she felt John wasn't letting on the seriousness of it. 

"I think so. He's a bit depressed. it's happened before. Once." He added. "Thanks, for understanding. I just don't want to leave him alone, you know?" 

"Brian's flat is nice. Enjoy the quiet." She chuckled to show everything was alright and said good night to her husband.

"You can still stay?" Roger looked at him when he came back into the room.

"Yeah, it's cool." John picked up their drinks and gave Roger his glass. "Remember that night we spent here before Bri moved in?"

The blond smirked and nodded. For a moment he looked like his old self and John felt a glimmer of hope that maybe the drummer just needed more attention than he'd been giving him. 

"We only had the gas fire and wine and some very old crackers and cheese." he said softly and lay his head back on John's shoulder. 

"And Brian's new mattress had arrived before the furniture came the next day. I really remember that." John chuckled.

"I guess what Brian didn't know, yeah?" Roger brightened up and turned his face to kiss his boyfriend. He'd taken off his jacket and shoes and pulled his legs up. 

"Yeah, bit of a shock if he knew his bassist was shagging his drummer on his new mattress." John put his head back and Roger smiled as the brunettes grey eyes crinkled at the sides. He loved watching him, sometimes. Knowing how shy he was with strangers but not with him. He was his world and always would be.

"All night." Roger added and smiled. He wasn't cold now and the scotch was making him feel pleasantly light headed. He let himself imagine that the flat belonged to he and John. Just the two of them.

John seemed to be thinking the same thing because he wrapped his free arm around the blond and whispered. "I know, love. Me, too." He leaned his head against the blond's.

They had managed to drag the mattress off the bed between them and collapsed laughing a couple of times. The highly polished floors had helped though and eventually they had the bed in front of the big gas fire and Roger had gone back for the sheets and quilt and pillows. 

"Good job." John felt like he as a teenager doing something naughty. But they were in their thirties now. They needed to spend this time together. It had to be the right place. Not on tour. Not in France. Somewhere where they had felt really free and silly and so much in love everything was okay.

"Now what?' Roger frowned. "Somethings missing." He looked at John, the blue eyes wide.

John put his hands on Roger's hips. "You are so beautiful." He said softly. 

"Stale crackers and cheese." Roger said in answer and turned away to go to the kitchen. 

John stared after him. Something was going on and he wished he could figure it out. He had to by tomorrow. 

"Got it!" Roger came back a few minutes later with a plate of crackers and cheese. "The crackers seem fresh, though." He smirked,

"Ah, too bad. Wine?" John played along. He loved Roger being silly.

"Oh, yeah. Brian has bad taste in wines but I found a couple of decent ones." Roger called out as he headed back to the kitchen.

John uncorked the two bottles to let them breath and had an idea. "I remember something else we did that night, babe." He took the blond by the hand and led him to the bathroom. 

Because Brian was so tall he had a specially built shower that was as wide as it was tall and could have held all four band members easily. But tonight there were just two of them. 

John thought back to that night years ago. He wanted to duplicate it as much as he could knowing how both of them clung on to those memories as they got older. It always amazed him how Roger could make him feel that carefree, very young person again. 

He slowly unbuttoned Roger's shirt, taking his time. Giving the blond a kiss after each unbuttoning. He had done the right thing. Roger was practically purring. 

"Don't leave a thing out." Roger lowered his eye lids, his dark lashes against pale skin. 

"I won't my love." John whispered and slipped the shirt off the drummers shoulders leaving small, set kisses along his neck and chest. 

Roger dug his fingers into John's short hair, wishing they both had their long 70's hair that was so satisfying to pull. 

Eventually, they were in the shower and Roger got all the attention he craved and remembered from before.

"Keep still, blondie." John laughed as Roger grew more playful under the running water. "I can't wash your hair." the brunette said firmly. He wished, too that that the blond still had the long, flowing locks. It took longer to wash but he had to make do.

"Fuck me, Deaks. Now." The blond frowned and looked pouty and the years fell away. They were seven years younger and everything was good for them. 

"Not now, babe. You have to wait longer." John teased him. He didn't have anything to prep him with. Then he remembered. The last time they had used Brian's flat he had his a tube of lube in the back of cupboard under the sink. It was probably still there.

"Hold on babe." John stepped soaking wet out of the shower and crouched down by the cupboard. Reaching his hand in and way in the back he brought out the tube. The best before date was for another year. They were good to go.

"You got it?" Roger's eyes were already getting lust blown. 

"Yeah." John pulled him close. "I love you so much." 

"I love you, Deaky." Roger sighed and turned around.

They hadn't made love in the shower but John had spent so long prepping his lover the blond was more than ready when they lay, till damp on the mattress in front of the fire. 

"I want to stay here like this forever." Roger stretched his arms out behind his head and parted his lips. As each minute passed he felt more a peace. He was alone with the man he loved. They were going to make love. 

John leaned on his elbow. They'd turned the lights out and the flames sent shadows onto the walls. They'd already had a glass of wine each. John knew they had to talk at some point but it could keep till the morning. Right now the blond needed his undivided attention. Something, he'd gotten less and less of, lately. 

"Sweet boy." John hovered over the blond. He reached for one of his hands and held it as he kissed him, running his tongue over Roger's lower lip before kissing him. They both moaned into the kiss that was long and sweet. 

"Please, Deaky." Roger tilted his head back and sighed. He wanted what he wanted now. He was nothing of not demanding and that was why the brunette loved him. The one thing that never changed. 

"You are so beautiful like this." John bracketed the blonds thighs and lowered his hips, pressing their bodies together.

Roger's moans were echoing around the empty flat. Just like they had years ago. John leaned off his forearms, holding both Roger's hands on either side of his head as he pounded into him. It was what they both needed. To feel as they had before. 

Roger was in heaven. He was in love even more than before. Nothing else mattered. He felt if he died now he would die happy.

John was his lover, his hero, the person he would die for. 

"Okay, sweetheart?" John held Roger close in his arms as they recovered. The blonds breathing was shallow as it always was after sex. 

"Mmm." Roger sighed and wished they could start all over again. He could never get enough of Deaky. He wanted him so much he could die wanting him. 

"Those crackers should be stale by now." John teased him and kissed behind his ear. 

"You think?" Roger chuckled. 

They fell asleep wrapped in one another's arms. Tomorrow they would talk.

Tomorrow Roger knew he had to make a decision to end all this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really do love comments. Really!


	6. Chapter 6

Just like when they were on tour, alone in their hotel room or at the chalet in France, John loved the early morning in bed with his love. Roger was warm and sleepy and somehow even more attractive than when he was awake.

"Morning." Roger was aware John was awake and smiled, half asleep, pushing his face into the brunettes neck. His hand reached for the handful of hair he had always expected and had to make do with the other man's shoulder. "Going to brush my teeth." The blond whispered and slid out of John's arms and out of the bed. John nodded and sighed and grabbed the other nabs pillow to replace the emptiness of his arms.

"Your turn." Roger jumped back into the bed and watched John get up and walk naked to the big downstairs bathroom. He loved watching the brunette walk around naked. Admired his flat tummy and thighs and everything in between. He felt himself grow hard and squeezed his cock for a moment, hoping John would hurry back. 

"You feel so good in the morning." John kissed him long and slowly and pushed any thought of worry about their relationship away. They had to make this work. He had to find a way to spend more time with Roger because the thought of losing him was impossible but balancing two realities was almost overwhelming and his other life, his family life, took him away from his lover.

"You, too." Roger's thoughts were along the same lines as John's but his grip on reality was slowly slipping through his fingers. Some days he was okay, when he could keep himself busy with family and work and friends but then the dam would break and the realization that this wasn't sustainable would hit him full force. As if already feeling the loss he held onto John more tightly, afraid of letting him go in case he just disappeared and this was all a dream. 

Roger wanted to tell John what had been going on. That he'd been seeing a psychiatrist for the last few months for depression. Brian had recommended her and he'd finally made the appointment after weeks of putting it off. But if he told him now it would spoil the moment and he so wanted this time with John. 

"The fire is nice. Reminds me of the chalet." John leaned on his elbow and looked over the blond at the fireplace. It was a nice flat. He would have liked one like this for him and Roger. But he did have Brian's keys. 

Roger had turned around and was facing the flames. It made his hair turn golden in the light and John played with the short locks just a he did when their hair was longer. He knew Roger liked him doing that. It soothed him. He wanted to ask him what he was thinking about but daren't. He was afraid to know. The last few days had basically terrified him. He kissed Roger's bare shoulder and kissed him behind his ear. It took him back to years before when he'd discovered the places the drummer liked to be kissed that drove him wild. It didn't take much for John's memories to go back to a time when they were both single. Sharing a room together. 

Roger put his arm back, taking John's hand in his and holding it against his chest. The brunettes knees were behind his and he could feel his hardness against his bottom. He pushed back a bit and smiled to himself as he turned his face around to kiss John.

"Are you okay from last night?" John whispered but still reached for the lube. He didn't like taking chances with his lovers comfort.

"I think so but go ahead." The blue eyes looked into his so lovingly that John almost moaned for wanting him and wrapped his arm around his chest. "I never want to let you go." John heard his own voice choking on a sob and and squeezed his eyes shut. he'd always been together for Roger. He was never fragile and was always, always the blonds strong shoulder. But he realized the beautiful man next to him was his lifeline. He needed him even more.

"It's okay, Deaks. I'm here." Roger turned and took John in his arms and kissed him so gently that the brunette ended up sobbing in his arms. 

"I'm sorry." John gasped but couldn't stop. He had an awful premonition that this was the last time they would spend time together. That Roger had made a decision that he couldn't go on with this any longer. 

"Love?" John lifted his head, tears streaming down his face. Roger smiled at him and put his arms behind his head in a sign of submission.

"Oh, you are so very, very bad, Taylor." John chucked through his tears.

"I know." The blond sighed. "What are you going to do about it?" He batted his eyelashes.

Roger sighed and gripped the sheet in his fingers as the first finger nudged into him. The colder the lube the better for some reason. He moaned into the pillow as the second finger was added. A thought had gone through his mind that John had never had this enjoyment. His passion was watching him get wrecked. John had curled his fingers and the blond swore he saw stars it was so good. 

"Please, now. Please Deaks." Roger wasn't above begging. He opened his eyes and looked at the flames in the fire wondering how many times he's done that in France when they'd made love in front of the wood fire and been alone for days at a time with one another. 

John was watching the flames too as he lined himself up to his lover and pulled his leg back over his knee. He kissed the blond neck as he gently pushed inside him and closed his eyes feeling the familiar tight warmness. The rhythm was familiar but hey never to tired of it. Roger had called the mornings they made love his comfort fuck. It was his favourite and he wanted it to last longer than any other time. He said it had to last him all day. He'd said that since they'd first been lovers. But it was the truth.

John closed his eyes and let his thoughts drift as he tried to keep a slower than slow rhythm. He agreed with his lover, it was the best part of the day. The morning fuck.

1974

"No, no and no." Roger had glared at the headlines about Queen in Melody Maker. "Fucking pretentious assholes." he shook his head.

"What?" Freddie had grabbed the paper. "For Gods sake, Rog." The singer had thrown the paper back at the blond. The article had been about the stylish drummer and something had aggravated the drummer.

John had rolled his eyes. He'd seen the photo shoot. Rog wearing the latest Carnaby Street gear. He looked gorgeous though the bassist would never have told him. He loved the blond from afar. Very afar. He had no idea how much the drummer loved him. Absolutely, no idea. 

"Freddie never takes me seriously." Roger was in a fury. Not unknown to happen occasionally. His fair hair flew around his head as he threw clothes out of the wardrobe onto the bed. John wondered why. Maybe, he was going some where.

"Rog, what exactly are you doing?" John frowned.

"I'm leaving." Roger was chewing a fingernail. "I don't have a suitcase big enough." He looked at John. "Whats wrong? You look sick." 

"You're not really leaving, Rog?" John sat up and stared at him.

"Yeah. I just said so." The blond frowned. "Geez, Deaks." Roger sat down on John's bed. 'Don't tell me you'd miss me?' He teased.

John just looked at him and nodded. "Please, don't leave." He knew he was being a fool. Giving himself away.

"I won't if you don't want me to." Roger had said softly. He looked at the brunette seriously. 

"Okay." John had sighed and nodded. "I just. I'd miss you, yeah?" 

"I hear you." The blond had said quietly. "I didn't know, Deaks."

Roger could tell John was getting near as his movements were uneven. He took the brunettes hand and held it around his cock and sighed at the feeling of the familiar fingers around him. The flames in the fire seemed to be mimicking their movements and then they were both moaning as they reached their release together, the sound of their bodies, their skin slapping together. It was erotic. It always was. Roger took the brunettes hand and tasted himself on his fingers as he felt the warmth rush inside him.The thought of ending this was impossible to imagine.

"I'll drive us to where you left the car." John and Roger had put the flat back to it's original state. Mattress back on the bed. Clean sheets. All done. 

Roger nodded. He needed to get his car, drive back home. Meet Dom and Felix, He could do it.

They hadn't talked much in the car. Each lost in their own thoughts. Occasionally, they held hands. It was enough. Both wanted to say something but couldn't. 

John had walked over to Roger's car with him. They had embraced and kissed and John had promised to call Roger the next day. He had waited till his lover was on the road before he left himself. 

He had promised Roger that he would get in touch with an estate agent that day about looking for flats. Their own place in London. But he was worried. Roger had looked so unsure. It nearly broke his heart because he wished he could move time and go back to the flat they had all shared. When they were poor and first in love.

Roger drove the car through the wrought iron gates and saw Domonique's car in the driveway. He smiled. His family was home. But the previous hours, alone with John had to be put to one side, He knew he couldn't do this for much longer.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger is going through so much angst because of his love for John that he's not making sense to him or his friends or himself.

Roger hadn't been able to sleep for more than a few hours a night for nearly a week. He would find himself wandering around the large mansion half the night. Tonight he had pulled out an old box unsorted photographs taken mostly from when Queen had been on tour over the years. He turned on the gas fire and poured himself a large glass of Scotch and at cross legged on the carpet.

He decided to put the photos in different groups but it took quite some time as he stopped and looked at each one, remembering where they were and what the were doing. Most of the pictures had been taken after he and John had gotten together and the ones of the two of them together were his favourites.

No one would have known from the pictures that they were in love with each other. There were no special looks. Most of them were silly poses or taken unawares when they were coming off stage or getting out of limos. But no matter which ones of the two of them or single ones of John the blond felt a little sadder. It was as if John was dead and he was remembering him but his lover lived only a twenty minute drive away. It may just as well have been across the Atlantic.

He knew Dominique was worried about him and the harder he tried to convince her he was his usual self the less it seemed to work. He couldn't tell her he was in love with his best friend and waited to go to sleep with him every night and wake up with him every morning. That he shouldn't have betrayed his feelings and taken on this half life. It would break her heart and he would never do that. So, his alternative was to die inside or make do with what he did have.

The tour had been put off a few weeks due to hurricane season in the states so all the concert dates and been changed. John was sorry because it had meant forty days away with Roger. The two of them sharing a room. Making love when they were too tired to sleep and couldn't keep their hands from one another. But maybe with the state Roger was in it was for the best. For the last couple of weeks he had difficult to communicate with and John felt his lover was going through something that even he couldn't help him with. The thought of losing Roger was something he couldn't even imagine. They had been lovers for so long but he still felt the same about him as he did the first time. 

Brian and Freddie both thought it odd that Roger wanted to talk to them without John. Was it about the band or John? It didn't make sense but they both agreed to meet with the drummer. They hadn't seen each other for over a month and normally would have gotten together to rehearse and hash out songs for the tour but with the delay that hadn't happened.

"What do you think is going on, Fred?" Brian had gone over to the singers flat to meet with Roger. He could smell the strong aroma of good coffee brewing and his mind was half on that rather then the signers answer to his question.

"I'm not sure but leaving John out makes me suspicious and remember that phone call from him a couple of weeks ago? He's going through something and if he needs our help he's got it." Freddie left no room for disagreement.

"When did you say he was going to be here?" Brian put down his coffee cup and looked at his watch. Freddie was pacing the floor in front of the glass doors that looked out into the garden. 

"I have a bad feeling about this." Freddie stopped his pacing and looked at Brian who stared at him. "Not good at all."

"You're thinking back to 79?" Brian sighed. "I was thinking the same thing, actually. What did go on? Did you ever find out?" 

Freddie nodded. "Not directly. I think I know, though." The singer looked at Brian. "You are an innocent, Bri." He smiled at him fondly.

Brian frowned. "Huh?" And shook his head. 

Freddie was judging whether he should tell the guitarist what he was pretty sure about himself but just then the door bell rang.

It wasn't Roger. John was on the doorstep holding a letter in his hand. There were tears in his eyes and Freddie pulled him inside. "Deaky, what the hell is going on, darling?" 

There was something about the older musicians voice that made John feel that he could finally had to talk to someone. He hardly noticed Brian sitting in the livingroom as Freddie sat him down in an armchair and poured him a large glass of brandy and then one each for Brian and himself. 

"Drink that Deaky and then tell us what's going on with Roger, yes?"

The younger musician nodded but how in the world could he tell them what was going on? He'd need Roger's permission for that and Roger wasn't anywhere to be found.

"I don't know where he is." His voice sounded strange even to himself and he looked at his two older friends. He knew they had always tried to protect him. They never knew how much he protected Roger. No one would have thought the drummer needed anyone's protection. Well, maybe he didn't. 

Roger

What am I doing? I know I was taking a big risk asking Fred and Bri to meet me. What was I thinking? Fuck. What outcome do I want? What the fuck was I thinking? I could never tell them about me and John and even if I did, what could they do? Turn back time so we could start all over? I have to figure out what I'm going to do. Just driving around and around with now nowhere to go. Fuck. Want went so wrong that I can't accept the pain anymore. I use to be able to, easily. I could ignore the pulls on John's life even as they increased. He never let me down. Never gave me less time then I needed. He always, always knew what I needed. When did it happen that I was so needy of his time? When I was 28 or turned 30 when I thought I was getting old. Now, I'm 34 and he's 32 and its not so old. We both look good. I miss that wavy brown hair though. Fuck he was hot. Still is hot. I love you so much why can't that just be enough? 

How the hell did I end up here? It would be so easy just to run the car over the cliff. They should have put in a barrier. I can't be the only person who has thought about this. It would just take a hard push on the accelerator and close my eyes. I could just play one of our songs loud enough to drown out my thoughts. John's song that he wrote for me. You're my best friend? Yeah. But I want to hear his voice. My beautiful, wonderful Deaky. The love of my life. I've never loved anyone like I have him. But I want more of him and that's wrong and I don't know what to do anymore. 

John sipped the brandy and Freddie refilled his glass even though Brian was shaking his head. 

"Deaky, if you need to talk it's okay. We've been friends for so long." The singer wrapped an arm around the bassist. He could feel the tension from the younger man and just waited. 

Brian was confused about wat was going on but he trusted Freddie's judgment and kept quiet. He was still worried about Roger. The recent phone calls had really upset him. The drummer sounded in mental turmoil and was reaching out to his friends. 

"I...I can't. It's between me and Rog and I can't." John put his hands over his face. 

"Okay, okay, John. Not to worry." Freddie looked at Brian. "We'll just wait for him." 

"Wait for him?" John looked puzzled.

"Rog said he was coming over to talk to us, Deaks. He said he hadn't told you but when you turned up we thought he'd changed his mind." The singer frowned. "Didn't he call you?"

"No." John was confused. He'd automatically come to see the older musician when he didn't know what to do. But he couldn't tell them. The secret had been his and Roger's for too long now and he owed his lover his silence.

"Well, I don't understand but I've got some cheese and salami in the fridge." Freddie walked towards the kitchen area. "Bri get some wine out. We need refreshment." 

"Right." Brian said but didn't move. He looked at John. "I'm not as polite as Fred, Deaks. What the fuck is actually going on here?" 

John stared at the guitarist and lowered his eyes. 

"Okay. Lets play the getting warmer game." Brian tired to sound kind but something told him there was something serious going on. :Has this anything to do with France?" 

John looked up, his face going even paler. He didn't speak, though. How could Brian know?

"Well, it makes a lot of other things make sense, now." Brian came over to where John was sitting. "John you can't keep your secrets and Roger's secrets any longer. He needs us. Every time I see him I can see there's something wrong."

John could only nod. He wondered now why he had come. He should have gone to Roger's home. The last call from the drummer had been confusing and somewhat frightening but the bassist hadn't wanted to alarm Dominique.

"You're very close to him, aren't you?' Brian rubbed the brunettes back. "Deaky, its okay. Your secret is safe."

"How did you know?" John looked at the guitarist out of the corner of his eye.

"Just a feeling. Nothing obvious." Brian shook his head. He had guessed a long time ago but it was none of his business. The two had managed their relationship and the heart loved who the heart loved. He got it.

"Rog is going through something. I can't seem to make it better, anymore." John's voice was soft. The northern accent coming through.

Dear, sweet, fragile Roger. Brian thought to himself. Who could be surprised?

Roger sat for a long while. The sun was setting. There wasn't a soul around. It would only take a few seconds and it all be over. His hands gripped the steering wheel of the Ferrari. It would be such a crime to destroy such a beautiful car. His mind went back to a few years before and the argument he had had with Fred about his song being on the B side of Bho Rap. He'd got his own way that time. He remembered he and John making love that night. John had laughed at the ploy he had used to get his own way and as a 'punishment had fucked him into the mattress. Big punishment. Roger almost chuckled. He wanted that back again. Back to the days they were all sharing a flat and didn't have any other entanglements. No wives or children.

Roger gripped the steering wheel and turned the cassette player on louder. He tentatively touched his foot to the accelerator. The breaks were on. But he knew he couldn't leave his wife and son and John and Freddie and Brian with the guilt of his killing himself. He couldn't punish them. He imagined his son growing up knowing that his dad had chosen the cowards way out of his problem. His mother would be devastated. And John" He couldn't put guilt on John. 

There was a knock on the door and then the bell rang. Freddie jumped up. It must be Roger. It was an hour after John had arrived. Brian and John waited expectantly. John was frozen in his seat. 

Two police officers were standing before them. It wasn't Roger. They were talking quietly to Fred. He was nodding. There had been an accident. They had come here rather than Roger's home because of the letter they had found on the passenger seat.

John thought he would pass out. Was Roger alive or dead? Alive. They were being told the name of the hospital. John stood up but he couldn't talk. Brian took charge and held a strong arm around the bassists narrow shoulders.

"We'll drive there right now, Deaky. Right now." Brian said softly. But John just heard a roaring in his ears. He would do anything to see the love of his life was alright. Absolutely anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments would be so welcome.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger is suffering very much mentally. His depression is a real thing.  
> The story goes back to 1976 in the French Alps and and a time when Roger and John were immeasurably happy.

The letter had been beside him on the passenger seat. He'd looked at it and wondered why he had written it. What did he think it would accomplish? He lay his head back against the head rest and squinted through his sun glasses.  
"Fucking Roger Taylor. Get a grip, mate." He told himself. "Do you want everyone to know about you and Deaky?"

He sighed and started the engine up. He lowered his forehead against the steering wheel and closed his eyes for a moment and wondered what to do. He didn't want to go home or even go to Fred's now. Running the car over the cliff was out. He could never do that to everyone. He couldn't leave his son with that as his legacy. But the fact was he didn't want to be there anymore. The pain in his heart was a real thing.

1976

"Rog! It's snowing!" John stood in front of the large picture window of the chalet looking at the new fallen snow. It was magical with the small lights in the trees shining threw the white flakes. "Where are you?" He turned his head.   
  


Roger was coming down the stairs wearing the kimono that he had worn at the photo shoots in Japan. His blond hair was spread out on his shoulders and John's jaw nearly dropped seeing him. 

As he looked up Roger shook his hair back and smiled. John thought the blond had to know the effect he had on him. Of course he did. He came to stand beside John and watch the snow falling. This was one of the many times they were both happy they had bought the chalet in the alps. It was secluded and they could be themselves and not have to think about the normal world.

"You did well finding this place my love." John said softly as he put his arm around the blonds waist and pulled him close. "You look so beautiful." He added. Beautiful didn't seem to be descriptive enough but it had to do. He pushed the fabric on the blond shoulder aside and kissed the warm skin under his lips.

It was only about 4 in the afternoon but it was nearly dark and Roger had that dreamy look in his eyes that John recognized. He led the blond over to the couch and sat down with him, pulling his close. It was these quiet moments when they felt closest to one another. Roger stretched his legs over John's lap and lay his head on the brunettes shoulder. They had three more days alone before they had to go back to London and to recording their next album. But right now it was just the two of them. 

There was something about the chalet in the woods that was almost magical. John had poured them both two large brandies that were on the low table in front of them and John reached for Roger's glass and then his own and lay his head on top of the blonds.

They listened to the fire crackling, lost in their own thoughts. John sipped his brandy and held one of Roger's hands in his. He was thinking back over the last couple of years and of how happy they had been. Especially now that they had their own retreat. This was all Roger's doing and it had surprised John. It meant that what they had was real. Back in London thy were just band mates. They'd argue in front of the others and John could lose patience with the drummer but here, alone they were lovers. 

John looked down at Roger who was holding his drink in loose fingers. "You're asleep." John said softly and took the glass from his fingers and set it on the table. 

"Mmm." Roger smiled sleepily. 

"I've got a surprise for you after dinner." John whispered and the blue eyes opened slowly.

"'Surprise?" He stretched his arms behind his head and smiled.

After they had cleared the dishes away after dinner John had gone into the living room and made sure there was some more wood on the fire to keep the room war for what he had planned. The snow was falling heavily now and was almost magical. They stood by the window together, John behind Roger, his arms crossing the blonds chest. John had changed into a kimono that Roger had brought for him. It was perfect for what he had planned for later.

"So beautiful." The brunette whispered. He meant the snow and his lover. He kissed the pale neck.

"What's the surprise?" Roger was curious and couldn't help himself form asking.

"Impatient, aren't you?" John chuckled but he was impatient himself. 

"Close your eyes." John said softly and Roger obeyed. His hearting was beating quickly as John covered his eyes with a silk scarf and tied it at the back, being careful not to pull the blond's hair.

"Okay, love?" John placed his hands lightly on the blonds shoulders and got a nod. He smiled to himself knowing Roger would love this. He turned his around slowly be the shoulders and told him he had to keep his arms down. Just to let it happen.

John undid the sash of Roger's kimono and slid the fabric off one shoulder. He kissed the warm skin, breathing in the blond scent in and sighed. Roger tilted his head back, a soft smile on his slightly parted lips. John moved to the other shoulder, his fingertips lightly on the other mans upper arms.He could feel little tremors of excitement coming from the blond and ran his thumb over the soft chin and kissed him gently.

Roger obediently kept his hands at his sides but wished John would take on of his hands in his. As quickly as he thought it John had intertwined his fingers in his and brought them to his lips. It was sublime. 

The blond felt the fabric fall fall off both shoulders and slither down his body to the floor. The ever so slightly cooler air made his shiver for a few moments but he recognised it more of what was to come than really being cold. He could tell that John had stood back a step to look at him and he felt himself blush from the chest to his forehead.

"So beautiful." John whispered and letting go of Roger's hand he ran his fingertips lightly over the blonds chest and thighs and between his legs. He knew Roger would want him to touch him but he had to wait. John dropped to his knees and kissed the inside of the blonds thighs as he place both hands on his hips. 

"Smell so good." He looked up at the blond who's parted lips were just begging to be kissed. 

"Do you want me to kiss you, baby?" John's voice was a whisper and Roger nodded. John stood up and let his own kimono fall to the ground. He knew the blond would be aware of this but kept his hands at his sides. "Such a good angel." John was proud of him. He was very aroused, his cock hard against his flat tummy. An erotic angel in the firelight. His blond hair falling over his forehead and shoulders, his skim seemed to shine in the light with the backdrop of snow falling. He was breathtaking.

John moved closer but not touching his body to Roger's he kissed him sweetly. The blond moaned into the kiss, wanting more and John ran his tongue along the others bottom lip. Roger brought his hands up and John let him reach out to him and feeling them grip his hips he moved closer so the two bodies were pressed together. 

It was a heady moment. "Please touch me." Roger heard the whine in his voice but smirked as John's fingers gently wrapped around him and he moaned into the brunette's shoulder in rapture. "Oh, fuck." He sighed.

"Later, love." John took the blindfold away. He couldn't not look into those blue eyes for long. Roger looked at his lover's body and smiled, pressing himself more closely to him.

"Did you like the surprise?' John kissed behind the blonds ear and felt him shiver.

"Is it over, already?" The blond smiled teasingly and slid his hands down John's thighs and around to his bottom. 

"Cheeky Angel." John whispered. "So bad." He pressed his mouth against Roger's and knew it was time to take him upstairs to bed. He'd already pulled down the covers and had the small bedroom fire lit. They could make love and watch the firelight and snow as they fell asleep in one another's arms.

"Happy, angel?' John pulled the covers over them and put another pillow behind his back. Roger settled himself into his arm and his head on his shoulder. The snow was still falling and Roger had a thought that he would like to be stranded, snow bound at the chalet with John forever. Or as long as the food lasted, anyway.

"Mmm. I love you, you know." Roger smiled and kissed John's bare chest. 

"I love you, sweetheart." John knew he would never, ever love anyone as much as he did Roger. It was impossible. 

April 1983

John had been silent in the car. His thoughts had gone back and forth, trying to concentrate on the times he and Roger were happy, together. He tried to remember when the blond depression had set in and why he couldn't have done something to prevent it. Usually, the cure was for him to spend more intimate time with his lover which got more difficult over the years but he still managed it. He knew the other man felt as if he was losing him even thought he wasn't. It would be impossible.

They finally made it to the hospital with no idea what condition Roger was in. His car had gone off the road and hit a tree. No idea if it was an accident or not and there was still the letter addressed to Freddie. The police seemed to be treating it as an accident. Dominique was flying back from France. Freddie said she's sounded calm on the phone.

John felt anything but calm. His guilt was immense whether it was deserving or not. He would give anything for Roger to be alright. He knew Brian and Freddie were looking at him with curiosity. There was obviously more going on than they had know about.

"John?" Brian leaned over from the front seat and looked at his fired. "He'll be okay, mate. Rog is tough" He was trying to be kind but John knew Roger was not tough. He was fragile and sweet and so sad sometimes. But he just nodded and said he hoped so and looked out of the window, trying to calm himself. Being in a panic wouldn't be good for Roger.

John quietly pulled a chair close to the bed and not caring what anyone thought he took the drummer's still hand in his and smiled when the fingers lightly wrapped around his. Roger knew he was there. 

"Its okay, angel." John whispered. They had arrived at the same time as Jim had and the manager had taken over. Roger had a sight concussion and had come in and out of consciousness since he'd arrived at the hospital. It was being treated as an accident by the police. Roger had swerved to miss and animal. There had been witnesses who had seen it happen. So he hadn't tried to kill himself. John felt better about that but there was more to worry about. 

John briefly held the blonds hands to his lips while the others were talking to the doctor. "I love you, angel." He said softly and lay the blonds hand gently back on the bed. But he didn't know that Fred had seen the gesture and had quickly averted his gaze. He understood a lot more now. His heart went out to the two younger musicians. 

"Is it alright if I stay with Rog? At least till Dominique arrives." He added. He'd almost forgotten about Roger's wife.

The doctor nodded and smiled and Jim with Brian and Freddie said they would go and get something to eat and come back for him. Dominique was due to arrive in an hour or two. 

Before they left the hospital room Freddie had come over to John and rubbed his back. "I won't open the letter if you don't think it's a good idea." He said softly.

John had almost forgotten about the letter. "Would it be alright if I read it first, Fred? Even though it's addressed to you?" John asked softly looking back at Roger, whose eyes were closed.

"Of course." The singer nodded. "We'll come back in a bit, yeah?" He gently touched Roger's hand. "I love him, too," He said and squeezed the bassists shoulder.

"Thanks, Fred." John sighed and went back to holding Roger's hand. He could see the door and part of the hallway from where he was sitting so would see Dominique when she arrived.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This just gets more angsty. Sorry.
> 
> Love to hear your opinions on how the two can solve their dilemma

Freddy was trying to keep everyone other than the medical staff away from Roger's room. He could see John sitting beside him, waiting. He could see the anguish the bassist was feeling for his friend. For his lover? Because that was what was going on. All the past years when Freddie had questioned a look or an action came into sharp focus and he understood now. He sighed and nodded at Brian who was approaching with sandwiches and coffee.

"Hows it going? Is John with Rog?" Brian sat down and handed Fred a sandwich.

"Yeah. Jim said he'll be back in a bit, too. He's sick over this as well."

Brian stretched his long legs out. "Fred, do you think Roger was going to harm himself? The letter?" Brian had no idea what was in the letter but the fact that it existed and then the way Roger had gone missing. The accident. It didn't look good. He felt guilty that he hadn't realised Roger may be depressed because he suffered from it himself.

"I really don't know, Bri. I hope not. it means we all missed something." Freddie closed his eyes for a moment and leaned his head back against the wall. Usually, he could think of a solution but if what he thought was true then there wasn't one. Not an obvious one. Not now.

John was talking softly to Roger. Just as if the blond was awake. Remembering things they had done that had been fun and loving. The first time they'd met at an audition. Roger's shock when John had cut his hair. The drummer had nearly cried. John had felt contrite and wished he hadn't been so reckless. He thought at the time that Roger would break up with I'm over it. Silly, looking back. And now they were here because he hadn't paid enough attention. He's been to busy with family and kids and it was Roger who had suffered the neglect.

"We'll do something special Rog. I promise. I'll fix this." He whispered. Though how he could fix it he didn't know. Other than confessing to Veronica and getting a divorce. Then what kind of a father would he be? An honest one. For a brief few seconds he thought of giving up on himself and Roger. Walking away from their love seemed impossible but maybe it would be the right thing in the end? But eh knew he couldn't. Giving up Roger who was the love of his life seemed to be almost a sacrilegious thing to do.

Fred could hear female voices and recognised Dominique's voice right away. He stood up and tapped lightly on the glass of Roger's room to get John's attention.

"I'll be back soon, my love." John kissed the blonds pale cheek and stood up just making it to the door before Dominique did. He greeted her warmly and told her what the doctor had said. That Roger would recover. That the concussion wasn't life threatening. He just needed lots of rest. They were doing tests because something about the blood work was troubling. 

Roger's wife nodded and listened and cast worried glances at Roger before she went in and took John's place by the bedside.

"John, lets go for a walk." Freddie stood up and took John by the arm. "They have a nice garden here." He pointed at what they could see from the window and John nodded. He needed fresh air to clear his head and think straight. He couldn't make any decisions right now. Not till Roger was awake and tell him what happened.

"Thanks Fred." own wasn't sure what he was thanking the singer for. It was calming out in the garden. There were benches darted around but they didn't sit. They had been sitting all day.

"What do you think happened, Deaky?' Freddie rubbed the younger mans back as they walked."Unless, you don't want to talk about it?" 

"No, I just. I don't know, Fred. I missed something. He's been trying to tell me for months and I just didn't hear him. I only heard what I thought he was saying."

John looked as if he was going to cry and Fred led him over to a bench. "Roger isn't a simple personality. He's complicated and sweet and annoying and worth his weight in gold as a friend." 

"Yeah, he is all those things." John smiled and looked at the singer. 'I love him, Fred. I mean I really love him." He wanted Fred to know but he guessed that cat was out of the bag, anyway. 

"I kind of guessed that this morning," Freddie put his arm around the brunettes shoulders. "We've got ourselves a Roger size problem, haven't we?' He whispered.

"Yeah. I guess." John was fighting back the tears of relief that he could talk to Fred about this. "I guess you've figured out about the chalet in France, now?" He looked sideways at the older man who nodded.

"I had my suspicions a long time ago but yours and Roger's business is private. Roger always seemed happier after you came back so I thought it was all good for him.

"This has been coming for awhile. Not this exact thing but he has been sad lately and I couldn't make it better anymore. I tried. I really tried. But I missed something." John lifted his hands and dropped them.

"Well. maybe we all did John. There's lots we don't know about Roger. Funny, I always think of him as our broken angel." Freddie chuckled. "Not that I would ever say it to him." He reached for is cigarettes and John took one. "The first time he sang that bit in Lap of the Gods. It was like the sound of heaven." He scoffed at himself. 

"Me, too. That song.Beautiful." John nodded. he remembered just staring at the drummer, amazed at the sound coming from him. For some reason he then remembered the sound he could make the blond make in bed and he blushed at the thought. 

"Take some time together when he's better. You need to talk this out." Freddie looked at him kindly. "You have to sort this out. For all of you, just not you and Roger."

1979

It was a pain and pleasure thing with Roger. Or rathe pleasure then pain. When he saw John and was finally alone with him for a few days and then the pain of them going their separate ways. John was married with 3 children. Roger was dating lots of different girls but thought he would probably end up with Dom. She was the sensible choice if there was one. The one he wanted to make was impossible. 

Now, they were on tour and as usual they were sharing a room. It reminded him of when they were first starting out as a band and had shared a twin bedded room in a small flat. Now, they were in 5 star accommodation and he almost wished he could go back in time. 

"I thought I'd never get through that lot in the lobby." John threw his carry on bag on the bed and stood hands on hips observing Roger who was stretched out not the bed sideways, his arms behind his head, looking as if he was waiting to be ravished.

"Fuck, I need sleep." John said but translated to Roger that he wanted to go to bed with the blond now. He saw a slow smirk on Roger's lips and decided to make him suffer just a little longer. They hadn't sat next to one another on the flight from London to New York. For some reason Brian had wanted to talk to Roger about something and they couldn't very well make a big deal about that. They would have 25 days on tour together. 25 nights alone more importantly. 

Roger's shirt had pulled out of his jeans and exposed his flat tummy and smooth pale skin. John moaned inside. It had been nearly two months since they'd made love. The anticipation had been overwhelming and now they were here. The door was locked. They had all night. Room service would send up food if they were hungry. There was wine and Jack Daniel and beers.

"I think I'll just grab a quick shower if you want to rest first." John called out as he started to take his clothes off. He could see the blonds reflection in the mirror. Could see him watching him undress and the look in the blue eyes even from a few feet away. John shook his hair out and walked naked to the bathroom and turned on the water. He waited a few moments for it to get to the right temperature and stepped into the large, glass enclosed cubicle.

There was a small knock on the glass and John was not surprised to see a naked drummer pouting to be let in. 

"What took you so long, babe?" John pulled him in gently by the arm and slid the door closed. The water was the perfect temperature but Roger shivered a little as he felt John's arms around him.

"it's been so long." Roger lay his head on the brunettes shoulder and kissed his neck. He remembered how when they had longer hair they would wash each others hair and the ritual became like a part of their love making. 

John didn't say anything. But it had been too long. He pulled Roger closer and hugged him as tightly as he could so the blond could still breath. Sometimes he just wanted to hold him like this and never let him go. He slid one hand down to the plump buttocks and got a moan from the drummer who hadn't moved an inch unless you counted his growing erection. 

Roger leaned his head back and wrapped his arms around John's neck before kissing him. Just a kiss from Roger was enough to make John hard. It always had been. The first time they had made out in the back of the van, afraid they'd be caught but John hadn't minded it. The kiss was all the better for the excitement. He looked into the blonds half closed eyes wondering how he had been so lucky to have him in his life.

John grabbed the bar of hotel soap and running it under the water gently rubbed it against the blonds shoulders and arms and down his side to his thighs. He was hard, too and the pressure of the two of them against each other was sublime. He wanted to fuck Roger in the shower but the lube was in his carry on bag, hidden away under his socks.

"Babe, I'll be right back." He untangled himself from the blonds arms and padded wet into the bedroom and back again. Roger was now leaning against the tiled wall, his forehead pressed against it. He was looking over his shoulder at John who couldn't help but chuckle to himself. The blond looked positively wanton and erotic. His whole position said 'fuck me'. 

John slid his hand down from Roger's neck to back to the cleft of his buttocks and back again. The blond shivered under his fingers and he place both hands flat against the tile. No kissing first. usually, Roger like at least half an hour of foreplay but it had been too long since they'd been together. Sex first and foreplay second, John rightly guessed as he squeezed a good dollop of lube onto his fingers. He hoped the steam from the shower would warm it up but the drummer still tensed as the first finger nudged gently into him.

"Alright, love?" John kissed the glistening shoulders and neck. He thought Roger got more beautiful each time he saw him. His body had hardly changed since they were younger. He stood back and watched his fingers disappearing inside the blond had to squeeze his own cock to stave off from coming before he had got inside him.

"I'm good, Deaks. Really." Roger braced himself against the tiles and dropped his head down a little as John removed his gingers slowly and lined himself up to him. 

"Let me know if you need more prep." He said softly into the blond's ear.

"S'okay." Roger's voice was hoarse with desire. He held his hand out behind him and guided John into him. He tensed a few seconds then relaxed as one of John's hands gripped his hipbone and the other arm came around his chest to support him.

"So beautiful and tight for me, love." John sighed into his ear and could see his cock moving in and out of his lover, the noise of the running shower drowning out the erotic sounds of sex. Roger was moaning now and cursing under his breath with each thrust. John gently bit a pale shoulder and Roger leaned his head back for a passionate and very dirty kiss. 

"More, Deaks. Please." Roger wanted harder and faster and John tightened his grip on the narrow hips and did as he was asked. 

They amazingly met their release together and John held Roger tightly as they collapsed slowly to the floor of the shower and let the water clean them up with out having to move. Roger curled up next to John as if they were sitting up in bed together. His wet blond hair and dark lashes made him look angelic and sweet and not at all the wanton lover of a few moments ago. 

"I love you so much." John was sure the blond didn't hear him. He went into his own mind after sex and was lost to coherent thought for at leat twenty minutes. 

"Love you." The words were a bear whisper and John kissed the wet forehead in answer. 

Room service had come and gone and now the two musicians were sitting up in bed wearing terry bathrobes and munching on burgers and fries. The telly was on but they weren't really watching it. It was their quiet time together. Brian and Fred and the crew would probably be having a drink in the bar and wouldn't even notice their absence. 

"I missed this." Roger had put his plate on the table by the bed and snuggled back down into John's arms. When they were together like this nothing else existed outside. No friends or girlfriends or wives. Just the two of them. They could make plans, real or imaginary. 

John kissed the top of Roger's damp head and held his hand against his chest. There was no need for words. But after a few moments John looked down and saw tears running down Roger's cheeks. It was useless asking what was wrong. He knew. They could pretend all they wanted but this was what they had. John had thought it was enough. They were luckier than most people in their situation. But Roger had a deep sadness that would grip his heart unawares and send him into the depth of despair in a second. 

John pressed the remote and turned off the telly and then the bedside lamp. He took the extra pillows away and pulled the covers up over their shoulders as he cradled Roger in his arms. There were no word. He'd tried over the past few years. It was better jus to hold him tightly and stroke his hair till he fell asleep. Like a sick child. Roger was lost in his own heartache, real or imagined. it was real to him

Back to 1983

Dominique had hugged John and thanked him for being there along with the others. She had spoken at length with the doctors who were concerned about Roger's overall health but she would come back tomorrow. She needed to get home to Felix.

John was reminded to call Veronica and let her know he'd be at the hospital a bit longer. There was nothing else to say. He could sense something in her voice but he didn't dwell on it. He was exhausted and was worried what the next few days would bring. Very worried.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think of this one. I love doing flashbacks but they will be a bit mixed up as the boys remember things differently from each other and there may be a bit of angst in amongst the smut.


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